Jack Checks His Email
by Green Raven Katt
Summary: The title pretty much explains everything. Full summary inside!
1. Introduction

I was surfing the web yesterday and came up with the perfect idea! Jack Spicer should have his own Email show! Come on, you look me straight in the eye and tell me that's not a great idea. So, you can Email him using the review button. If I like it, I'll have Jack answer it. You can just check back here. I'll try to keep updating every Monday at least. Some answers may be based more or less on the Homestar Runner website. So, Enjoy! And happy Emailing!


	2. Dream Girl

**Email 1: Dream Girl**

Dear Jack: What do you look for in a woman?

Mary, OH

Jack: To tell the truth, Mario, when it comes to girls I'm not really that picky. But if I had to narrow it down, let's see…

First off, she'd have to be British. No reason, I just… think British accents are hot. Second, I'd kinda like for her to have green eyes. I think it might be my favorite eye color. And of course she'd have to understand me, share in my interests, and not write on me while I'm asleep on a regular basis.

So, all and all I guess that pretty much covers it. Although it might be kinda cool if she could contact the spirit world… yeah, I could kinda see that.

(A Jack-Bot enters.)

Bot: Sir, there is someone here to see you

Jack: What do they want?

Bot: She says something about wanting to take you out.

Jack: WHAT?!

Bot: On a date, sir.

Jack: Oh. Well, send her in.

(Another Jack-Bot enters, followed by an attractive, gothic-looking young lady with green eyes and a mostly black leather outfit.)

Girl: 'Ello, there. Might you be that Jack Spicer I've heard so much about?

Jack: (ecstatic) Yes, I might!

(They both exit.)

_Look for that Tyra in a future fic. Review to Email Jack!_


	3. Six Simple Questions

**Email 2: Six Simple Questions**

Dearest Jack-

1. What's your favorite color?  
2. Are you albino?  
3. Where do you get your hair dye and will it work on dark brown-black hair?  
4. Where do you get your eyeliner?  
5. Will you make me a mini-bot of you?  
6. MARRY ME?!

KF-Somewhere in the Foothills, California

Jack: 1. I can't really decide between red and black. So, I guess the answer would have to be… both. Is that allowed?

2. No, not really. I'm just pale because I spend so much time in my parents' basement. Obviously.

3. Actually, I don't dye my hair. It's red like that naturally. Besides, what evil genius dyes their hair anyway?

4. Don't tell anyone, but I steal it from my mom's nightstand on a regular basis.

5. You people and your demands! Look, I'm not around here to fulfill your every freakin' whim, alright?

6. Umm, unless KF stands for Kelly Ferguson or Kathy Foxworthy, it's just not gonna work out between you and me.

Whew! That was kinda long. Jack-Bot, how many Emails do I have left?

Bot: One-hundred sixty-four thousand five-hundred and twelve, sir.

Jack: I'm gonna need a bigger keyboard.

_Review to Email Jack!_


	4. Disturbing

**Email 3: Disturbing**

This might be a bit personal, but I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO KNOW!

blurts out Do you see yourself with Clay? ...At all?

P.S. If it's too personal, you really don't have to answer...

Clayxyinyang

Jack: Just so you know, I'm only answering this so you know that it's NOT personal.

First off, you have a sick and twisted mind. Normally, I'd find this a nice quality in a person, but you're just SICK! Your question is the most disturbing thing I've ever read before in my entire life. Jack-Bots, do you have anything to add?

Bots: Yes, sir.

Bot1: You are a disgrace to the community.

Bot2: If I had a stomach, its contents would be coming out of my mouth.

Bot3: You are disgusting.

Bot4: You are insane.

Omi: I agree with Jack Spicer; your mind is diseased and curly!

Jack: That's "sick and twisted."

Omi: That too.

Jack: What are you doing here, anyway?

Omi: I do not want to feel left out.

Jack: Uhh, you can go home now.

Omi: Okay.

(Omi leaves.)

Jack: Sorry about that. So, to answer your question… no. No, I don't see myself with Clay… At all. Weirdo.

_Review to Email Jack!_


	5. Ninja Mom

**Email 4: Ninja Mom**

Dear Jack,

if you could be taught the ways of the Ninja, would you search down the TMNT just to teach you, or would you use the internet?

Oh...and do you have a close relationship with your parents?

-Randomlass-

Jack: Actually, you pretty much answered question one with question two. Because, well, not only DO I have a close relationship with my parents (despite the fact that my father is barely ever home), but my mom is a ninja! Don't laugh, I'm serious.

Although, she doesn't really do all that ninja-type stuff anymore. But as you may have guessed, she typically wears a mostly- if not all-black outfit. And she's still got ninja blood in her. She sometimes carries around a few stars with her, just in case, and she's so stealthy most of the time that I sometimes don't even realize that—

Diane (Jack's mom): I'm standing right here!

Jack: AAAAAAAAAA! Mom, cut that out! Can't you see I'm checking my Email?

Diane: Sorry, honey, but those children at the Xiaolin temple paid my twenty bucks to do that!

Jack: And you couldn't have double crossed them?

Diane: Well, if it makes you feel any better I didn't tape that.

Jack: Good.

Diane: Well, I'll leave you to your Email show now… By the way, good luck with that!

Jack: Thanks!

(She leaves.)

Jack: Yeah, she's a ninja expert all right. But I might have to ask you a question, Randomlass. What does TMNT stand for? You didn't exactly clear it up in the Email…

_Review to Email Jack!_


	6. Other Half

**Email 4: Other Half**

Hi jack  
for now I have 3 questions  
how do you feel when you meet your good side?  
How do you open the vault of the Xiaolins?  
when Omi go in his time travels in the final when the two Omis  
touch themselves and the all crazy things happens and he see how do you get there?

That is all ok bye

Daxo

Jack: Umm, I think I can only answer one of these questions. 'Cause if I answer the second one, I'm pretty sure those guys will kill me. And as for the third question, if that really happened, and I was there, I don't remember any of it. Sorry.

Let me start by telling you guys how I really felt during that short period of time when I turned good. As you may already know, it started when I brought the Reversing Mirror into the Yin-Yang world, canceling out the effect of the Yang Yo-Yo. At the risk of sounding sappy, it was like a part of me just… melted. I actually felt happy, like I really had the world on a string.

Some of you might be wondering why I still wore eyeliner in a gothic fashion during that time. I'll explain later.

The one thing I don't understand is why that little gecko was so jealous when he probably knew that I would revert back to normal eventually. Maybe he was just uncomfortable with me like that? I dunno.

It wasn't until after I got back to normal, and saw my R9D clone, that I realized what a total dork I was. Now I'm sure Chase and Wuya are having a never-ending laugh on my part.

Bot: Sir, someone wants to speak to you. He says it is personal.

(Jack goes to the door and opens it, coming face-to-face with a giant Dojo.)

Dojo: NEVER CALL ME A GECKO!

(Jack screams like a girl, dragon roars and fire breath sound effects are heard from off-camera.)

Bot: I am going to need some help cleaning that up.

_R9D means Ring of Nine Dragons. And don't worry; Jack is perfectly fine and very close to full recovery. Review to Email Jack! (It'd make him feel better)_


	7. Too Long

**Email 6: Too Long**

Alright Mr. Spicer, let's see if you can answer me this: As the series of Xiaolin Showdown continue to grow, you've reverted from a worthy adversary to a...how should I put this...a boy with a pea-sized brain. In one season when Omi and co. attacked you and brought your "souvenirs" back to Master Fung, you had the word "left" written on your shoe, "front" and "back" on your underwear, and "insert this way" with an arrow on your belt. You've become an incompetent villain and plunged into the category of comic relief. Yet...you are still capable of building your own functional, dependent, wireless robots, transportation vehicles, and other gizmos and gadgets; point is you are obviously incredibly smart. So my question is how does this all fit? Did Wuya demolish your self esteem when she accompanied you in her spirit form? Did other villains in the series do the same? How did you become such a doormat and why? When the Xiaolin Warriors took you in their dojo you were there in all honesty and goodness as revealed later in the episode with the truth showdown Omi challenged you to. Yet even so you still returned to the evil side that treated you like dirt and continues to do so. Open your eyes, Jack...the people who want to help you are the ones you're bent on destroying. The ones you want to impress are the ones who annihilate you. Please enlighten me.

Naraku's Phoenix

Jack: … Okay. That's, like… 242 words in there. Although you prove a point, and you have a cool signature, you Email is just too LONG! Let me say a little something to all you people planning to Email me. Please don't make it so long.

Bot: I agree with you, sir. Readers, please refrain from making your Emails too long.

Jack: Yeah. Preferably under 100 words. In fact…

Mr. Spicer, answer this: As a pea-sized brain Omi and co. attacked you and your belt. You've become a villain and plunged into the category of capable of building your own functional, dependent, wireless robots, transportation vehicles, and other gizmos and gadgets; point is you are obviously incredibly smart. Did your self esteem accompany you? Did other villains in the series do the same? How did you become such a warrior? Omi treated like dirt and continues to do so. Open your eyes, Jack...the people who want to help you are the ones you want to impress. Please enlighten me.

Naraku's Phoenix

Jack: Now THERE'S an Email worth answering! Omi treated like dirt… heehee!

So, how did I become such a warrior? People ask me this all the time. You see, it all started in the second grade…

(Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko and Clay break in through the door. Kimiko is dressed like a biker-babe.)

Jack: GAH! What are you doing here? I didn't even do anything evil yet!

Omi: But according to your Email, we are supposed to attack you and your belt!

Jack: That wasn't in the original Email!

Clay: You'll have to show us.

(Jack retypes everything he deleted and the others read it.)

Raimundo: We're a TV series?

Jack: Yeah, I know. I had trouble figuring that out too.

Omi: I sometimes feel like I am being watched, but never by my adoring fans.

Raimundo: Uh, I don't think they're interested in watching you, Omi.

Omi: What, you think everybody is tuning on to watch you and Ninja Fred? That is a good one.

Raimundo: embarrassed Cut it out!

Omi: But I have no scissors!

Everyone else: …

Kimiko: Anyway, time to get what we came for.

(She kicks Jack in the stomach, thereby attacking him and his belt. Then she and the other Xiaolin Dragons leave.)

Jack: a bit weakly Cut…

_Review to Email Jack!_


	8. American

**Email 6: American**

Dear Jack,

I've been having this debate with my friends - what country do you live in? Some think America, some think England, some think China, some... oh you get the point. I'm not being all stalker-ish, I just want to know the country to end the argument.

Bewarethedarkness

Jack: Okay. First off, I want to apologize to everyone for my long absence. You see, I've lost a lot of showdowns, and I've been more depressed than usual lately, and then my mom ran out of eyeliner… Yeah, you can understand what I've been going through.

Anyway, you'd think that it'd be obvious that I live in America judging from my accent alone. To be exact, northern California. I'm not saying which city, just to be safe.

Unfortunately I have to wrap this up now because… I don't know what else to type:p Sorry, guys.

_Review to Email Jack!_


	9. Another MultiQuestion Email

**Email 8: Another Multi-Question Email**

Hey answer the questions if you like  
1) how do you feel being paired up with Raimundo, Chase and Katnappe (Ashley)?? (I didn't add Kimiko cause I already know the answer)  
2) are you related to axel (kingdom hearts 2) and Reno (final fantasy)?  
3) Do your parents know what you're doing?  
4) are you and chase the same height?  
5) Do you have a crush on Kimiko? (Of course you do)  
6) How come you have enough time to create countless of robots but couldn't find time to work on your fighting?  
That's all I can think of  
PS you should remain evil your good side is plain disturbing  
From: DarknessPearl

Jack: Okay. I like it, so I'll answer the questions (although I had to fix some of the grammar and spelling first)!

1) Alright, that's just plain creepy. As I think I made perfectly clear in Email 3: Disturbing, I'm absolutely NOT GAY, alright? I don't know why everyone thinks that. Also, Ashley is my cousin. I think that's pretty obvious.

2) No, though I wish I was sometimes. LOL

3) If you mean plotting to take over the world, yes and they support me. If you mean stealing mom's eyeliner on a regular basis, no and you'd better not tell.

4) I never really bothered measuring. But by my estimates, I'd say I'm about six inches shorter than he is. No offence, but why did you want to know this anyway?

5) Actually, I used to but I don't now. Besides, it looks like she likes Raimundo more anyway.

6) I'd rather not answer this one…

As for your last little comment, yes I'm well aware of that. I gladly oblige to that one request. Although, some girls, like Greenie over here, seem to think he's cute for some reason.

(Explosion is hear offscreen)

Jack: Uh-oh. Uhh, that's enough Email for this week. I gotta go. (runs off muttering to self) Keep your hand at the level of your eyes…

_Review to Email Jack! Though he won't be able to answer it until after the wounds I give him heal. (snickers) Oh Jackie, come here for a moment…_


	10. Music of the Night

**Email 9: Music of the Night**

'Lo, Jack. A thought popped into my head as I listened to Lady Marmalade from Baz Luhrmann's film, Moulin Rouge… You should watch it! -.keeps talking and getting off topic...-(Am I scaring you yet?) Anyhoo, I was wondering what your favorite song and movie was?

Hope you answer this after you get over the weirded out factor!

Much hearts from,

Little Lovely

Jack: First off, you'll be happy to know that in the past two-something weeks I've made a full recovery (aside from a few minor bruises) from that Green Raven attack. Note to self and all readers: Don't give away her secrets online. (**A/N: **this means you, Lalalei.)

To answer your question, I'm actually quite partial to Music of the Night from The Phantom of the Opera. In case you're curious, here's the lyrics:

_Nighttime sharpens_

_Heightens each sensation_

_Darkness stirs_

_And wakes imagination_

_Silently the senses_

_Abandon their defenses_

_Slowly gently_

_Night unfurls its splendor_

_Grasp it sense it_

_Tremulous and tender_

_Turn your face away_

_From the garish light of day_

_Turn your thoughts away from cold unfeeling light_

_And listen to the music of the night_

_Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams_

_Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before_

_Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar_

_And you'll live as you've never lived before_

_Softly deftly_

_Music shall caress you_

_Hear it feel it_

_Secretly possess you_

_Open up your mind_

_Let your fantasies unwind_

_In this darkness which you know you cannot fight_

_The darkness of the music of the night_

_Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world_

_Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before._

_Let your soul take you where you long to be_

_Only then can you belong to me_

_Floating falling_

_Sweet intoxication_

_Touch me trust me_

_Savor each sensation_

_Let the dream begin_

_Let your darker side give in_

_To the power of the music that I write_

_The power of the music that I write_

_The power of the music of the night_

_You alone can make my song take flight_

_Help me make the music of the night_

Jack: So, if you match that up with my personality and such, you can probably see why it's my favorite. A lot of people say I sound like Erik when I sing, but… I dunno. I guess I'll have to tape myself one of these days. Oh, and here's a Youtube clip. Just type it into the address bar backwards without spaces.

8 G 6 k O g w R f r V ? h c t a w / m o c . e b u t u o y . w w w : p t t h

Jack: Hope you enjoy.

_Review to Email Jack!_


	11. What If

**Email 11: What if**

Hey Jack,

I have a series of what ifs.

How would you react to:

1) A giant hippo wearing a beret bursting through the wall to your parent's basement, demanding cheesecake with frog legs on top, then getting into a heated battle with Chase Young, resulting in the destruction of all of your items.

2) Chase Young offering you a cupcake.

3) Me randomly appearing in your basement, hugging you tightly and refusing to let go.

4)Me (again) appearing in your basement declaring my never ending love for you and telling you that I wanted to be with you forever, no matter if you were good or evil (your perfect all the time!)

I HOPE YOU ANSWER ME!

TripleM out.

Jack: This seems like a fun one. I'll see what I come up with.

1) Well, I'd have to start cutting myself. 

2) I'd accept it with a smile, and when nobody's looking, I'd happy dance like crazy!

3) I'd ask what the heck you were doing here, which brings me to the next part.

4) I'd make you my assistant, on the grounds that you let go of me, and don't screw anything up. 'Cause take it from me, nobody likes to screw things up. ;

Well, looks like that's it. I was right; I did have fun with it. 'Till next time, guys!

Diane: calling from upstairs Jack! Did you steal my eyeliner?

Jack: Uh-oh. RUN!

_Review to Email Jack!_


	12. A Small Preview

**Email 11: A Small Preview**

Heya Jack I've got a few questions  
1. Metallica or Megadeth  
2. Nirvana or Warrant  
3. Motley Crue or Kiss  
4. Blue Oyster Cult or Deep Purple  
5. Led Zeppelin or Guns 'n' Roses  
6. Judas Priest or RUSH  
7. If a Jackbot falls in a forest, and there is nobody there to hear it, does it make a sound?  
8. How much does it cost to create and maintain a private robotic army, a state of the art security system and all the other stuff you have (example: Helibot, Jet ect.)  
9. What is the meaning of life?  
10. If you had 24 hours to live what would you do?  
11. If you could have any ONE superpower what would it be?  
12. Who's smarter, Socrates, Plato or Archimedes.  
13. Finally, do you believe 13 is an unlucky number?  
Thank you for your time...

Heylin-Shadow

Jack gasp Sorry, everyone. As you may remember from my last Email, my mom found out that I've been stealing her eyeliner, so I've been grounded from the computer. So, here we go.

1. Metallica.

2. Nirvana.

3. Kiss.

4. Deep Purple.

5. Guns 'n' Roses.

6. RUSH, by far.

7. Depends on whether or not anyone found out if it fell later. Also if it was broken or unconscious when it fell, if not then it probably heard itself falling. (lol)

8. I dunno, about $5,000 a week. It's a wonder how my parents can afford it. It must have something to do with the fact that my aunt used to be an international pop star back when she was a teenager (she's 27 now).

9. I have no idea, though it probably has something to do with the death that comes afterwards.

10. That's a tough one. Well, first I'd have to ask Wuya how she managed to get along without a body of her own, and then after I die, I'll do whatever it was she did to get it back. Although, it might be fun to haunt a few people before I do that. Like Chase.

11. I can think of one that I'd most definitely want above all superpowers, but I never know what to call it. Laser-eyes? Eye-beams? Heat vision? Zappy-eyes? You get the idea, right?

12. I dunno. Though I'd probably guess that they're all equally smart, and most likely smarter than me. --

13. Actually, no. In fact, It's my favorite number (guess what I'm doing for my thirteenth Email, guys!).

So, that's it. This was certainly a fun one. See you guys in a week (hopefully)!

_Review to Email Jack!_


End file.
